People who have an alternative gender identity may find the idea of coming out to their partner terrifying. Fears of rejection, confusion, and even anger are common. However, it is vital to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. People who try to hide their identity often end up with strife and distrust in their relationship.
Before Coming Out
Take some time to get comfortable with who you are. It is normal for identity to change and evolve as time passes. Getting a handle on who you are before you bring it up to others will make things much easier. Seeking the expertise of a professional or support group can be very helpful with this. There are therapists who specialize in GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender) issues, as well as supportive groups within the community and online.
While some of us dislike using terms and definitions to categorize our identity, choosing one can be helpful for your partner. Having a concrete term takes away some of the mystery and anxiety that may arise. Terms like “genderqueer,” or “transgender” can help give your partner an understanding of who you are. Having a word to look up on the Internet later adds a level of comfort for most people.
Choosing to Come Out to Your Partner
Timing is essential when it comes to coming out. Pick a time that is not stressful, and when you will both have plenty of time to process things. The setting must also be considered. While you do not have to have this conversation in an isolated location, some privacy is needed. You must be able to discuss things that might be embarrassing to talk about in a crowded room. Some people feel more comfortable talking about these issues at home, while others prefer a coffee house or restaurant.
It is important to have some an idea of your intentions. Let your partner know what aspects of this identity do and do not apply to you. For example, if you are coming out as transgender, but have no plans for hormones or surgery, let your partner in on that bit of information. It will help give them an idea of what the future looks like, and what changes may or may not be taking place.
Be accepting of their reaction. No matter how well you know your partner, there is no way to predict their response. This is especially true of people who have been together for a long period of time. It will take them some time to process and work through this news. Some partners are shocked and angry, while others smile and wonder why it took so long for you to tell them. While we hope they will be supportive, some people simply cannot handle such changes. Be prepared for either reaction.
Answer any questions they may have as completely as possible. You may not have all the answers they are looking for. Just be as honest as you can. Sometimes partners can have unintentionally hurtful remarks. They may say things like: “But you were always so masculine” or “But you like girly things.” Gender is a strong binary system in our society, and it is difficult for people to process alternatives. Be patient, let them speak, and help them understand as best you can.
Dealing with the Aftermath
Hopefully your partner is able to be understanding and supportive, even though this is a potentially huge change for both of you. They will help you sort through some of the other issues that come up, and be there for you when times are tough. This kind of support is incredibly valuable. Again, seeking professional help from someone with a GLBT background can be very helpful. Even if coming out goes smoothly, there might be additional issues that a professional can help you both process.
If things did not work out the way you had hoped, you may have to move on. While hiding who you are may seem like an enticing option, few people manage to do so and live happily. You cannot live a true and fulfilling life by denying your authentic self. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Move forward with your head held high, and start living as the person you truly are.
No matter what gender identity you have, it is important to express yourself freely. Part of this concept requires that you come out to loved ones. While doing so might be one of the scariest things you have ever done, it is well worth it in the end.
J. Lee Phelan - Hello Readers! My name is J Lee and I currently reside in New York. I'm a freelance writer and artist, which is exactly what I wanted ...
